EXCLUSIVE - My interview with Keir Starmer

"I love soccer and I’ve been a Liverpool supporter for the last five weeks, since it became certain they were going to win the title"

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I wake up around 5.30am and wonder if that’s a normal time to get up. Grok tells me most people get up around an hour later, so I stay in bed and scroll Lee Anderson’s X feed - he’s usually cooing in a racist way.

Victoria needs her sleep, so I let her lie-in while I go and ask the focus group we keep in a static caravan behind Number 10, what to do for breakfast. Back when I was in opposition they’d recommend a bowl of porridge with hazelnut milk, vanilla paste and goji berries, a cup of rooibos and a Guardian. Now I’m PM they’re more likely to recommend a Greggs bacon bap, can of Monster (Mango Loco) and a Sun.

I like being Prime Minister. There’s less anxiety and more presence than when I was leader of the opposition. Not having a vision is very liberating. I’m a Capricorn. So I crave routine. Morgan [McSweeney] is really into that too and before we start work we like to chant mantras in front of GB News. In opposition it used to be “follow the crowd, not your conscience”, but now I’ve got a thumping majority we’ve changed it to “follow the mob, not your conscience”.

If it’s a week where we’re releasing a white paper on immigration that surrenders almost entirely to populism, I’ll remind whoever is on the broadcast rounds that they now think multiculturalism has failed and migrants are in fact to blame for our poor housing and public services.

If they suggest that this cowardice validates the hateful nativists who stubbornly insist they don’t recognise the diverse country they’ve lived in their entire lives, and who will also never vote for me, I’ll ask Angela if she wants to retain the ministerial car and then look meaningfully at the crossed out pictures of Zarah, Jeremy and Dianne I keep on my desk.

Then I’ll have a shower and get dressed. I like to make an effort. We live on an island full of strangers, so I need to stand out to make sure people recognise me.

Victoria keeps me grounded. Sometimes I look at her and think, ‘you’re the most beautiful woman in the world, I should tell you.’ Although that’s such a definitive announcement I need to run it past the focus group and by the time they’ve finished with it I’ll end up saying something like ‘you look OK for your age, but your new haircut doesn’t work and lots of people think you’d be better blonde.’

Lunch used to be plant-based, a nice salad, vegetables or a stew, but the climate denial lobby have demonised eco-zealots so comprehensively, I daren’t eat anything other than chlorinated chicken or hormone treated beef.

In the afternoon I have a daily Zoom with Donald Trump in which I update him on all the exciting things he’s going to get to do on his state visit. He’s most excited about the replica El Salvador super prison for MS-13 gang members we’ve had commissioned at Windsor Legoland. We’re very good friends. He finishes all my sentences.

I love soccer and I’ve been a Liverpool supporter for the last five weeks, since it became certain they were going to win the title. If Arsenal are at home I do like to go down to The Emirates to watch a game too. I like to sit in hospitality. Not because I’m out of touch, (I’m not, I’ve got an air fryer), but because it allows me to throw my support behind whichever side is currently leading during the match, without repercussions.

Back at home, I’ll unwind with a movie. I only watch films which grossed north of £800m at the box office, which does tend to limit the breadth of my consumption to Avatar, Titanic or Star Wars: Episode VIII – The Force Awakens.

Then at lights out I’ll ask the focus group how I should play bedtime while I’m brushing my teeth - it’s important to be able multitask when you’re running a G7 economy - and if they think it’s a good idea, I’ll broach the idea of marital sex with Victoria. Although a lot of the time she’ll just tell me to ‘piss off and shag a blonde’.

My mind is racing by the time my head hits the pillow. The perils of being a PM. I’ve tried counting sheep but it never works. A shepherd who looks like Nigel Farage always comes and rustles them.

WORDS OF WISDOM

BEST ADVICE I WAS GIVEN - Whatever the last piece I received was

ADVICE I’D GIVE - Always do what everyone else is doing in order to make yourself more popular

WHAT I WISH I’D KNOWN - This isn’t a good idea if you’re at the Pamplona bull run