STARMER'S SURRENDER - A DAILY MAIL EXCLUSIVE

Sir Keir accused of Brexit betrayal as he caves in over fishing rights - and weakens our hoovers, while PAYING for the privilege

For more exclusives from the tabloid that fancied Hitler, subscribe today! Upgrade to a paid membership and I might even dig out a Daily Express

Starmer’s surrender: Sir Keir accused of Brexit betrayal as he caves in over fishing rights - and weakens our hoovers, while PAYING for the privilege

By JONATHAN BULL POLITICAL EDITOR FOR THE DAILY MAIL and PATRICK RIOT CHIEF POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT

Keir Starmer was accused of a great Brexit betrayal last night after agreeing a deal that hands Brussels control of British fish.

The Prime Minister faced a furious backlash over his ‘surrender pact’, with mid-tier influencer Jacob Rees-Mogg warning that he had ‘imperilled the mental health of our famously happy-go-lucky fish’

Sir Keir agreed to restart payments to the EU budget which will almost certainly be spent on criminalising mushy peas, banning bingo callers from saying ‘two fat ladies’, and making cows wear nappies. And, to the fury of Britain’s beleaguered fishermen, Starmer caved in to French demands to make British trawlermen sing La Marseillaise every morning until 2038 – more than 20 years after the public voted for them to sing Rabbit by Chas and Dave. 

But in a mechanism branded the ‘Æthelred clause’ the new deal with the EU would force the UK to cede Kent to the Europeans if the fishing agreement is torn up early, or a deckhand gets the words to the French anthem wrong.

Kemi Badenoch and Nigel Farage both pledged to scrap the deal if they win power at the next election.

Mrs Badenoch branded the agreement a ‘total sell-out. When we find out who signed this Brexit deal in the first place, we’ll put Boris on a ducking stool: If he sinks, he’s a traitor, and if he floats, we’ll double check there isn’t an Anglian Water outflow nearby.’

She accused ministers of ‘backsliding on free movement’, adding: ‘after months of secret negotiations, Keir Starmer’s Government has conceded all of the gains we made on high- powered vacuums.’

Speaking on a Saga Cruise to the Reform Youth Wing, Mr Farage said ‘look, there are some foreigners on a boat over there.’

Calling it an ‘appalling sell-out’ Boris Johnson said that ‘in exchange for paying countless millions into EU coffers the EU will now ban British barmaids from showing any cleavage’ adding ‘sadly for Messrs Fabricant and Gove, Keir Starmer is now the orange ball-chewing manacled gimp of Europe.’

Speaking at a choreographed event alongside EU Commission chief Ursula von der Leyen in London, Sir Keir - who would have been just like Alec Guiness’s character in The Bridge Over The River Kwai - said it was time to ‘build bridges and collaborate with a merciless enemy.’

Ms von der Leyen said the deal provided a ‘road map’ for the EU to control every aspect of traditional British life. ‘Watch out Pearly Kings, we’re coming for you next.’

When asked for comment, ace negotiator Lord Frost said ‘sorry, I can’t speak now, I’m just negotiating an excellent price with some cowboy builders for an invisible conservatory they’ve added to my house’

Supermarkets Asda and Morrisons both said it would be ‘good news for shoppers. Especially if we stopped price-gouging. Which we won’t’.